New Thing # 31 – Watch a Bollywood film

Another slightly personal achievement this week as 52 New Things finds an oasis of calm in an otherwise crazy month of projects. With Hopi Ear Candling and Tattooing already behind me, and graffiti lessons and a Land’s End/John O’Groats trip ahead of me this month, this week was all about ticking off something in my personal To-Do list of Life.

Living in London, it is almost impossible to avoid the rise and rise in popularity of Indian, or “Bollywood” films. A visit to most cineplexes reveals at least one Bollywood option alongside the mainstream US imports and British independents. These Hindi-language films often pass most of the UK population by yet attract a fanatical following both among the British Indian population and its home markets. I’d heard stories about lavish productions across international locations featuring vast musical numbers and countless extras but, up until now, had never had the need nor cause to actually view one of these spectacular films.

Earlier this year a friend returned from travelling around India and among her new-found loves was an appreciation for all things Bollywood. She was such a big fan, in fact, that she brought me back a film to watch in an attempt to convert me to the genre (with a pirate DVD no less). “Anniyan” is a 2005 big budget production that was billed as a psychological thriller – not your average Bollywood love story. I later found out that it was, in fact, a Tamil film (the most expensive ever made at the time at $8m) rather than a true Bollywood film but we’ll quickly gloss over that fact for now.

Anniyan, or அந்நியன், is a story about a law-abiding lawyer with multiple personality disorder who struggles to seduce the woman that he loves because his alter-egos keep on either killing people or repulsing her. When his frustration with his fellow man’s constant law breaking becomes too much, the lawyer’s innocent personality morphs into an Incredible Hulk-style personality called Anniyam that goes on a murdering rampage, killing anyone who breaks the rules in his eyes. Meanwhile, in an attempt to seduce the woman of his dreams who thinks he is too boring, the lawyer also develops a third personality – that of an arrogant fashion model called Remo with a penchant for bad rap. In the unlikely event that you may one day see this film, I won’t spoil the ending but suffice to say it is entertaining and enthralling.

Lots of shouting

As I sat watching the film in my living room, surrounded by a delicious home-made prawn madras (excuse the shameful cultural cliche), I noticed several quirks of a Bollywood film that not only set it quite apart from Western movies but also endeared the genre to me hugely. Firstly, and most noticeably, was the dialogue. Obviously the film I watched was in Tami (I think, although it could have been dubbed into Hindi) and so I understood nothing without the subtitles. But interestingly there was snippets of English littered around every conversation. Sometimes it was just a word or two – “please sir” – and sometimes it was an entire sentence – “take him to the police station for processing”. There seemed to be absolutely no set rule for the use of English and it made for an entertaining, if slightly confusing, game to guess which words would be recognisable.

Awesome dancing

Then there were the subtitles. Now I appreciate that the gentleman or lady writing the subtitles probably had English as a second language but some of the translations were incredible. Some of my favourites included:

- I’m putting my love test on the back burner
- My heart is a flower and my flower is in chaos
- Love is like the call of nature…it is dangerous to hold it in
- Your tangy waist broke my heart

It soon became a bit of a game to see who could spot the most ludicrous and nonsensical quote, most of which were found in the middle of the musical numbers.

And then there was the songs themselves. I was a little apprehensive about this part as, to be honest, songs in films tend to be awful (e.g. anthing in Mary Poppins or Moulin Rouge). However Bollywood songs were total spectacles. Often in completely  improbable locations (Anniyan songs popped up in Holland and an English village), what they lack in authenticity they make up for in numbers and choregoraphy. Hundreds of brightly dressed dancers executing slick, visually stunning moves in anything from a field of flowers to a mountain top. And best of all, the songs were all about love and happiness, rather than “killing b*tches” or “stealin’ da green”. They were beautifully arranged and despite not knowing what many of the songs were actually about, were an immensely enjoyable spectacle. Enjoyable, that was, until the second-to-last song when the two lead characters did an awful, Western-style rap where they seemed to just list a load of random brand names like Nokia, UPS and “apple laptop”.

Terrible rapping

A full 3 hours later and as the credits rolled I reflected on my first Bollywood experience. Loud, funny, warming, surprisingly modern (there was Matrix-esque camera moments) and very engaging, Anniyan had all the elements of a Western blockbuster with all the rugged charm of a foreign language film shot on a comparatively modest budget. Not once was I bored and in fact I was left wanting to watch more, if only for the comedic subtitling.

What exactly is a “tangy waist” anyway….?